Last night I spent an hour on the phone with a friend of mine. Lisa is 42, and a single mother. She has spent many years after her divorce in one dead end relationship after another.
I have my own theories about that. I am no shrink, so I could be wrong....but I believe a lot of her man troubles stem from her childhood. Her dad was an alcoholic for many years. And he was one of those mean drunks that beat the wife when he'd had too much to drink. Finally her mother became fed up and told her dad that he either got help or he got out... he couldn't come home drunk anymore.
Her father changed. He went to AA, got clean and never came home drunk again. Now, I think that's great... but I don't for a minute think that he straightened up just for his wife. I believe to kick an addiction you have to want to kick it for yourself.... the other folks in your life are just "bonus".
Unfortunately, how young Lisa interpretted that is "My dad loved my mom so much, he was willing to give up the drinking for her." And she has spent her adult life trying to "fix" drunks and druggies... believing that if he (the current drunk/druggie) loved her enough he would mend his ways for her.
She's finally beginning to realize that she deserves someone that doesn't need fixing. Her last relationship ended very badly about two years ago. She has spent the last year losing the weight she gained during the worst parts of that relationship. She is doing great and looks fabulous. She has taken (in my opinion) a very positive step in that she has signed up for E-Harmony, in hopes of meeting some men that are interested in the same kind of unbroken life.
She has been corresponding with a few guys and now she is going out on a date with one of them on Friday. And all she can worry about is how he is going to perceive her. "What if he thinks I'm too fat?" (she's not). Lisa has, and has always had, a certain vunerability about her that makes you want to take care of her. Even women want to take care of her. Funny thing is... she's 5 ft 9 inches, and very capable.... but you still just want to take care of her.
Anyway, last night as we were talking she mentioned all these things that happened while she was growing up that made her think that she wasn't very attractive. Even when she was a young adult and guys would leave their phone numbers on her car, she couldn't think why anyone would do that except to tease or hurt her.
I don't know how to help her. I've told her it could just as easily go the other way when she meets this guy. That she might not like what she sees. And.. that if it comes to it.. it is nothing personal if he isn't attracted to her in person. She has to be okay with the idea that this date will end up being a one time thing.
But I don't think I'm getting through
4 comments:
I understand what you mean. I had a friend whom offered me counsel once upon a time when I was getting ready to divorce. I wish I had paid more attention, lol. I made quite a few stupid mistakes in the dating game post-divorce. I was not out to fix anyone, but for my own set of reasons was not being too careful about the company I kept. Hopefully, she will see what a beautiful person she is and not to settle. I hope she has a nice time on her date!
I'm so glad that she decided to join e-Harmony... I've heard so many good things about it. I've come VERY close to joining myself, but just too chicken.... maybe one day... LOL!! I wish your friend all the best!!
Joann
I think that you're doing the best thing for her by simply being there for her, and reminding her of the precious jewel that she really is. It is going to take time for her to let go of the past, and accept that she is worthy of a good man.
Best Wishes,
Gina
You may be helping your friend more than you think. As women we all work our problems out by talking them through. She's beginning to realize what was wrong in the men from her past and now is looking to change that. That's a definate step in the right direction. Maybe all she needs is someone to listen and she can take it from there.
Madison
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